unlimited time

i have come to realize that i have unlimited time. so i should never have to hurry yet still i find i do. i've only recently begun to comprehend the depth of my psychological damage from when i first had my psychic blowout back when i was a child of 4 or 5. i wish i could remember what caused it but i don't. i can't even envision what it could have been that scarred me so deeply and traumatically. whatever it was i should be able to remember it right? but i don't so what does that mean? anyway i write all this because what i have just described too you causes me great fear. i don't know why about that either. it's like your heart races all the time and your panicked all the time yet just outside my psychic reach, deep within my chi, a sense of wonder. small. fragile. vulnerable and yet so full of potential energy. i want to feel that energy coursing through me, filling me and then i want to give that energy away to everyone i meet just so i can spread the awe of it. i stifle it. i'm not safe out here among you savages. one false move and it's curtains for mikey! but why is it that way? why do we have to live in fear all the time? oh sure some of you don't. you are never afraid. you are tough and you are better than this. if you can pull up your own boot straps, by god so can everybody else. oh yeah? says who? not everyone can be you. some of us are wired different for whatever reason. and who cares what the reason? how is it i find homeless among you or people going hungry or men and women with psychological ailments forced into the streets because this nation has no pity? when a person is in need you don't ask questions, you help them to the best of your ability and willingly so. jesus tried to teach that to the people once. "give unstintingly without any thought of reward" it just seems strange to me no one wants to fix the problem and make it go away as would befit the "greatest nation in the world". history is full of countries who thought theirs was the greatest in the world too. russia, germany, britain, france. but their definition of 'great' differs from ours.